Martial Arts

It should be obvious by now that I had some serious self esteem issues. When you hear at school five days a week for several hours that you're a loser and stupid. It's only a matter time before you actually begin to believe it.  In the tenth grade I began my training in Tae Kwon Doe. Now martial arts is something you might picture someone who is coordinated and athletic doing. I was neither. I'm actually kind of a hopeless wonder when it comes to sports and my opinion of the more popular televised sports surely didn't help matters. When I decided I wanted to do something outside of school I knew it either had to be Martial Arts or Dance. Both activities have always interested me greatly.
Martial arts won out because one the type of dance I was into the most wasn't offered anywhere, two I thought if would be nice to be able to defend myself, and finally because it was something that my dad got into first. So that right there made the sport a lot more appealing. When anyone joins the martial arts they should be prepared for some hard work. That's a given, but I had an additional set of cards stacked against me.
My epilepsy hadn't really gotten much better. So while most students could really on a steady body that sees everything straight I didn't even have that. My medication was being constantly adjusted so on a good day I was just a little dizzy, but on a bad day I would have trouble walking. For some reason on bad days my legs acted more dizzy than my head, the room would spin with slightest turn of my head, and even when my head was still there was still two or three of everything.
So learning to do a simple jump kick or any kind of kick was very challenging because it took me five times the effort of everyone else to just stand on one leg not to mention trying to throw a kick without landing on my butt.  Forms which are series of movements that usually have some sort of meaning to them and also are exercises to help someone learn to fight weren't much better. All the constant turning usually made me even more dizzy than I already was. While I admit I loved the classes my favorite part at that time was the stretching because we stood still in one spot.
During this period is when I really began to master my dizzy walk. Through Tae Kwon Doe I was learning how to walk perfectly normal even on my really bad days. This is why I have often wondered if I were the type to drink would the intoxicating effects really affect my motion that much. I'm used to having a hard time walking.
Their were times during class when the dizziness would just become to much and I have to sit for ten to fifteen minutes. Sometimes I would only be able to work out for half the class period because of the effects of my medicine. So when I accomplished my first rank award. The yellow tabs on a white belt I was beyond happy. I finally felt some confidence that I could do something and maybe what people said at school wasn't right. It began to become easier for me to just ignore the stupid people who didn't really want to know me, but just saw me as their verbal poking dummy.
While injuries and the epilepsy itself has kept me away from Tae Kwon Doe at times. I still have the goal of acquiring that black belt so I have proof that even if you have cards stacked against you it's still possible to do it. A recent rib injury has kept me away for a little while, but I plan on going back real soon. It was Tae Kwon Doe that gave me confidence in my self and the courage to ignore the nasty things that people said about me. While words can still hurt I find it much easier now to just shrug it off. This is one activity that I'll always be happy I decided to join.

Summer Job

Okay so it's been awhile since my last post. I shall explain my long break. First school has been a bit haywire with me researching for a psych paper. When it comes to psychology I tend to dive in. Also I stepped aside because I had to figure out a way from keeping my story from becoming boring for anyone that is following this blog. If I go chronologically in order there are a couple of problems. One my memory is fuzzy. I've been living with epilepsy for a long time now and my memory wasn't always what it is now. Two going in order will get boring because I'll end up telling scenarios that sound very similar back to back. So where does this leave my blog? Well I've decided to try and go in order as possible, but to only stick to memories that are vivid to me. Why struggle to remember something I wasn't really that present for mentally. Meds did do a number on my brain for awhile.

So I'm jumping to the end of ninth grade. All that need be said is the two friends I was close with I had a great time with. Over all though school was a struggle and I was making it my business to keep people at a distance. I'm finding this is a very hard habit to break. Most people who know me only know what I trust them with, which with most people isn't much. I'm always waiting for the dagger to come plunging down into my back. The only person I can say I truly trust is my husband and honestly I don't know how he did it.

During ninth grade my family was attending a more contemporary church that my brother and I had chosen. At this point while I wasn't furious with God anymore I still wanted to keep him out. I wanted to do things on my own. The only reason I went to church at this point was so I wouldn't hear mom and dad complain if I didn't go. At least the church we were going to had better music in my opinion. No offense to the traditional, but at this time in my life that kind of service never would have reached me. My eyes were closed and ears shut in those services, but this type of church kind of caught me off guard.

As for my summer job. It was my first job. I had decided to try getting a part time job for the summer. I hadn't had any seizures in a few months and thought it would be safe. I ended up getting a job at a movie theater. They had the popular two screens in one building and the other screens with the not so popular movies in the other building. When I first started out I was always in the popular building. Which was a good sign. This meant that the managers thought you were doing a good job.
While selling popcorn (I still can't eat movie popcorn to this day! I won't ruin it for you!) isn't anyone's dream it provided a paycheck. A paycheck that was my money to spend however. It felt good to be earning my own cash.

So things went well. My only complaint was people were a bit clicky, but I'm not the best judge. I do have major trust issues. The free movie bonus was awesome. I saw a lot of new releases that summer. Things took a turn for the worse when I had a very small seizure at work. It just had to happen when we were slammed.

For me a small seizure is some mild shaking I can't stop. I'm conscious of what is going on and am able to communicate the problem to others. Usually people understand me through the sobs. Crying usually starts mid seizure in these types and my emotions really go wacko. So I struggled to call my parents on a pay phone because apparently no one cared enough to call for me. Even though my hands were shaking so badly I had to hang up and redial about ten times.

Before I left with my parents I did my best to assure them everything was fine and that I would be able to work my next shift. So I did my usual sleep off thing. When I return for my next shift that's when things start getting weird. Instead of asking me questions about what precautions to take and stuff others have with me in the past I noticed that where ever I went an employee would follow me.  Even to the bathroom. When I took breaks I ate up stairs as was routine for me and was in full view of many people so thankfully I got some time to myself on break.

Despite the weird change in behavior I continued to work hard, but I quickly noticed that employees were double checking everything I did. Like my seizure had caused me to leak I.Q. or like what I had was contagious. It wasn't long before they moved me to the other building all the time. Because this building had no upstairs I would sneak out on my break so no one would follow me. When I would leave the room to go bathroom or something a employee would shout "hey would you follow her! "
It even got to the point of my fellow co workers being afraid to be alone in the room with me. So they would take their break in their designated spot so their other co-worker wouldn't have to be alone with the leper. In the B building there was always three on shift. One working tickets and two selling popcorn. One could have handled the popcorn job, but no one wanted to be alone with me.

It finally got to the point where I just had a break down during break one day. I just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't understand why a little seizure would cause these people to treat me like I was two. Worse like I was something that needed disposed of. Of course this whole thing just deepened my trust issues and confirmed my ideas of how no one on the planet can be trusted.

I patiently waited till they were short staffed and had no choice to put me in the A building on a busy night. I'm not proud of the following moment, but I was sixteen and stupid. Plus I had been mistreated and I didn't find out till a few years later I actually could have sued over it, but I waited misery and all. After the break down I pretended everything was fine. I waited till the line at the counter was really long and then I left the two others there who were swamped and looking to me for help. I walked up to a manager told him I quit. Used the payphone to have my parents pick me up. While the method was stupid admittedly it felt good to do. In my own way I was standing up for myself and showing them what they did was wrong.

True a confrontation and explaining things would have been a better solution looking back on it now, but I was a teenager. My brain was not fully developed yet and not capable of making well thought out decisions. So I quit in one of the worst ways you possibly can. I don't recommend the storming out method. It's one of my life's regrets. I could've taken the high road and given them some notice.