The River Denial

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I was away from my computer enjoying Christmas and soon the new year. Last post I took a little detour from my story and told you a little about my nana because of the influence she had on me during this period of my life. I think now is the time I start talking about how I tried to deal with everything on my own. Yes, I mean on my own. As much as I love and cherish my family at that point in my life my trust issues where much larger than they are now and I didn't trust them either. I felt I had to fight this one on my own.
The medication my doctor gave me knocked me out for a good forty eight hours while my body adjusted to the new medication. After my body adjusted I don't remember any lasting side affects as this particular medication wasn't at a strong dose yet. I hated taking my meds because it was a reminder of the incident and I didn't like thinking about it. I was good about taking my meds though. I didn't want to risk any chances of a repeat incident.
My friends had finally picked up that what had happened was a topic that was off limits. That it was something I didn't enjoy talking about let alone thinking about. To make sure the topic didn't come up again I distracted them with a horror story I had been working on. Something I have since thrown away. Of all the stories I write horror stories are the ones I hate to share because there more for me personally than to entertain a possible reader. Horror stories of mine are me putting all my rage and frustration onto paper. I kill everything and everyone I'm angry at in those stories so I wasn't thrilled about showing them "The Christmas Killer" but it got them to forget about what had happened.
In case your wondering that particular story was written when I was still angry at a lot of people and at God himself. At the time I didn't want to celebrate Christmas I wanted to destroy it. I didn't want people to know that though so I wrote the story which disappeared shortly after it was finished. When I was around people who cared for me and vice verse I put on my happy mask and I got really good at it.
So things seemed to get a little better after. Things were going well with friends and I had actually begun to forget that I just might be a ticking time bomb.

That didn't last long though. One day after coming back from checking out a contemporary church I was sitting on the couch eating leftover apple pancake. I was a bit tired because I hadn't slept well the night before. The next thing I knew I was on the floor and confused. I also remember being upset that my apple pancake was gone. I had my heart on finishing that. I had saved it just for me. I don't remember much of this episode, but what I do know is that it marked a wake up call for me. That this wasn't over and it wasn't something that I could just ignore. I was going to have to find a way to deal with it.